a strange grief.

It’s a weird thing. I lost both of my dear grandparents this year- within a three month time span. Within that same time frame we lost the dream of two more daughters.

I always thought that loss and death would be this really hard, constant, ongoing, depressing thing. And don’t get me wrong, it’s hard and depressing at times, but it comes and goes. Some days it’s like any other day. Breakfast, schooling, lunch, laundry, library, park, you know the drill. But some days it’s really hard. I mean really hard. The kind of grief or sadness that lingers on your every thought. Everything has to do with that loss. For me, it’s the loss of our adoption process, of M and G, and of a dream for our family. I become paralyzed with sadness and can’t seem to function at my normal rate. I get sucked into the adoption blogs, message boards, and facebook profiles of people that are adopting, hoping upon hope that I will find some sort of tidbit of info that will lead me to a way to get to the girls. Time passes by and at the end of it all I just feel dried up. Dried up and tired.

There have been moments of breakthrough. Moments of intense emotion and prayer where I feel like I might be coming through something. But a few days pass and I am right back to where I started. Questioning, wondering, and asking WHY!? This is such a strange grief. One that most people will never have to experience. It’s very lonely.

Not only have we lost the dream of adopting the girls but we live with the knowledge that there are 4 other children at Bethel who have been adopted or are being adopted and joining families in the US. M and G will be left behind and probably not even know why. This tears me up. I have absolutely no control over this fact and am constantly giving my thoughts over to God and trusting Him in dealing with the situation. Only He knows the answers to the why’s and the why not’s--- but it would be nice if I could too.

I packed up some of the girls things today. Backpacks, purses made by a friend, shoes, and the two beautiful jewelry boxes made by my dad. They went to the attic. I really don’t have it in me to get rid of them or give them away. There is a tiny part of me that is hoping that some day these material things will belong to M and G.

Slowly we are adjusting to the loss of our dream. It will never feel right, and I will always wonder about the life I had pictured in my mind with M and G. We still aren’t sure what the Lord has for us in regards to how our family is going to grow- or if it ever will. We are still praying that if it is God’s will – we could someday meet M and G and be a part of their lives and a part of Bethel orphanage. Will you pray that for us too? We need it to be clear… because it is so muddy right now. The next step seems SO unclear.

broken

Three months have passed since our world was turned upside down and our adoption agency called and said that they would no longer work on our case. We were dealt with in a rude and inappropriate manner and told that we were "not patient enough and not understanding of the process". Although we have always felt that something wasn't quite right with Hope Adoption Agency, being treated in this manner and having the rug pulled out from underneath us was quite surprising.


That phone call started a whirlwind of filing complaints, making contacts and trying to get some answers. Through all of this, many people have contacted me and the unfortunate and sad side of Ethiopian adoption has been brought to our attention. A handful of families have had less than positive experiences with Hope Adoption Agency and there is evidence of Hope Adoption Agency being involved in accepting bribes for children, allowing children to be adopted with false paperwork, and lying about the origins of a child. I have also received emails from people not with Hope Adoption Agency, stating that their children were in fact trafficked. We recently and surprisingly received our money back. This does not make things better or cover up the lies, mistakes and mistreatment.

We have been in contact with a couple of national news outlets sharing our story and the information that we have been made privy to. We will not stand for this, nobody should. Recent rulings have been passed in Ethiopia to create more transparency and more accountability with adoption agencies. This is such encouraging news and we are glad to see that our complaints and the complaints of others are being taken seriously.

As of right now we don't think that we will ever be able to adopt M and G. The only thing we know for sure is that we will speak out for the orphans of Ethiopia (and of the world for that matter), and be advocates for ethical and upright adoptions. This experience has shown us how bound by fear adoptive families get. We were one of them. So many families are scared to speak out and ask questions, for fear that their adoption would be jeopardized, lose money, or worse have long term effects on the adoption system in Ethiopia or the US. These are all valid concerns- but at what cost are we going to remain silent? Do we enter into this process for our own selfish desires? I pray not.

We will continue to exhaust the options to find out about M and G. We will continue to pray. We will never EVER forget them. We are praying that God would make a way for us to at least visit them someday, and possibly care for them and be a part of their lives long distance. Only God knows what the plan is for our family and for M and G.

Please pray for M and G. Please pray that someone will be able to tell them the TRUTH, and that their hearts would be protected. Pray that they know Jesus. Also pray for us, for our faith to be restored and strong. We know that God is holding us and keeping us in His care, but I have a broken heart. The only thing I know to compare to this feeling is a miscarriage. The dream of two beautiful daughters being added to our family has been ripped away from us and my womb (heart) is empty.

Taking the high road....

Our last post has been removed as we are trying to resolve the matter at hand.

Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light.

ephesians 5:6-14

keepin it real....

we haven't heard from our agency since october. frankly I think it is rude and unprofessional. but what can you do? two sweet little girls wait for someone to give them a family. all the way in ethiopia, africa. we are patiently waiting. waiting for someone to tell us, no. or, yes! who knows. we are having a hard time making that decision on our own. the words just won't seem to come to the surface. we don't want to do it.

one family that has been waiting alongside us with kids at bethel, passed court today. this is a VERY big thing. we are so happy for them! their wait is over and their lives can move on with new added blessings! we don't know if that will ever happen for us but we have a teeny, tiny, microscopic glimmer of hope in their news today. (can you tell we have become a bit jaded?)

if you are still following our blog, and you probably gave up a long time ago!- please pray. pray for answers in 2010! pray for the children in ethiopia all the children with no mommas and daddies. every child deserves a momma. and a daddy.

and while you are waiting- watch this. and order yourself a pair of TOMS. I just did.