I always thought that loss and death would be this really hard, constant, ongoing, depressing thing. And don’t get me wrong, it’s hard and depressing at times, but it comes and goes. Some days it’s like any other day. Breakfast, schooling, lunch, laundry, library, park, you know the drill. But some days it’s really hard. I mean really hard. The kind of grief or sadness that lingers on your every thought. Everything has to do with that loss. For me, it’s the loss of our adoption process, of M and G, and of a dream for our family. I become paralyzed with sadness and can’t seem to function at my normal rate. I get sucked into the adoption blogs, message boards, and facebook profiles of people that are adopting, hoping upon hope that I will find some sort of tidbit of info that will lead me to a way to get to the girls. Time passes by and at the end of it all I just feel dried up. Dried up and tired.
There have been moments of breakthrough. Moments of intense emotion and prayer where I feel like I might be coming through something. But a few days pass and I am right back to where I started. Questioning, wondering, and asking WHY!? This is such a strange grief. One that most people will never have to experience. It’s very lonely.
Not only have we lost the dream of adopting the girls but we live with the knowledge that there are 4 other children at Bethel who have been adopted or are being adopted and joining families in the US. M and G will be left behind and probably not even know why. This tears me up. I have absolutely no control over this fact and am constantly giving my thoughts over to God and trusting Him in dealing with the situation. Only He knows the answers to the why’s and the why not’s--- but it would be nice if I could too.
I packed up some of the girls things today. Backpacks, purses made by a friend, shoes, and the two beautiful jewelry boxes made by my dad. They went to the attic. I really don’t have it in me to get rid of them or give them away. There is a tiny part of me that is hoping that some day these material things will belong to M and G.
Slowly we are adjusting to the loss of our dream. It will never feel right, and I will always wonder about the life I had pictured in my mind with M and G. We still aren’t sure what the Lord has for us in regards to how our family is going to grow- or if it ever will. We are still praying that if it is God’s will – we could someday meet M and G and be a part of their lives and a part of Bethel orphanage. Will you pray that for us too? We need it to be clear… because it is so muddy right now. The next step seems SO unclear.
4 comments:
So sorry for your loss. We adopted through Hope and had many difficulties as well. We also lost a referral when our baby died and got no information about her situation or health.
I hope you can find the strength and maybe one day bring home your kids. Perhaps with a different agency.
I also know how you feel about the stuff you gathered for them when they get home. We brought home our little girl (second referral)in December and I find myself thinking how this outfit or sleeper was bought for our first baby and now our little girl is wearing them.
Keep us updated.
Chris and Becky,
So sorry to hear of your loss. It is so hard. Those girls will always remain in your hearts- they have changed you forever.
I know because I lost a sister through a failed adoption. Her name is Sarah Sue. She was in foster care and we fought to adopt her and lost because our home was not big enough. I will never forget her. She is my older sister that I needed. Something felt like it was missing because she was not there.
In the end, we trust the love and sovereignty of God who knows and fulfills the plans of our lives.
We later unofficially adopted Carol, and only child who needed siblings and Bobby who needed a family that was stable.
Praying that God would continue to undertake for M and G and place them in a loving family and that they would always know the God and you love them.
I don't know if there would be a way for you to get some of the things to them at Bethel. I know it would be a treasure to have something from the family who has adopted them in their hearts.
Praying that God would make the next step on your journey clear.
Love and hugs and prayers,
Debi
Huggs, Becky. Stay strong. Because you stayed true to God and didn't fall into deceit and lies, like others, I pray that you will be rewarded for your faith.
Chris & Becky,
I stumbled onto this blog tonight. I'm sure you probably never check it anymore. But my heart is broken for you.
My wife and I lost our firstborn minutes after she was born. It was completely unexpected and, in the end, inexplicable. She died in front of our eyes. The Lord took her home and we were left empty. That was 3.5 years ago, and the Lord has brought so much healing in that time. He has also blessed us with 2 wonderful little boys. And now we are in the process of adopting a sweet baby from Uganda. Even so...I still cry at times for my little Caroline. I cried even as I wrote this. It's unavoidable isn't it?
I pray for your healing in this. Please keep your hearts soft toward Him. Allow Him to breathe new life into dry bones. Remember: HE IS GOOD. He is completely sovereign over all things. And He works all things together for our good too. These are truths no matter what tragedy we find ourselves in. Be of good courage because He is in control.
Another child will never take the place of those you've lost--believe me, I know. But if He has called you to be parents, He will bring children to you. Be open to Him. I will pray for your baby girls tonight--as i'm sure you do most nights. I'll pray for their salvation, and that they might be used by our Father to bring many others into the Kingdom. "We entrust them to you for saving faith, Lord"
If you haven't pursued adoption again in the last year, check out Generations Adoptions: www.generationsadoptions.org. They've been wonderful.
BTW, I get that this comment may be too little too late, but when I read about your heartache, I had to reach out to you guys. Heck, I sent Steven Curtis Chapman an email praying for him after his baby girl went to be with Jesus. I also know how it feels when others have moved on, but you can't. We've been there. So I pray this was excellent timing...whenever you read this. Please contact me and my wife if we can pray for or talk with you further.
Until THAT day when every knee shall bow...
Mike
mikeb@centerpointchurch.net
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