I always thought that loss and death would be this really hard, constant, ongoing, depressing thing. And don’t get me wrong, it’s hard and depressing at times, but it comes and goes. Some days it’s like any other day. Breakfast, schooling, lunch, laundry, library, park, you know the drill. But some days it’s really hard. I mean really hard. The kind of grief or sadness that lingers on your every thought. Everything has to do with that loss. For me, it’s the loss of our adoption process, of M and G, and of a dream for our family. I become paralyzed with sadness and can’t seem to function at my normal rate. I get sucked into the adoption blogs, message boards, and facebook profiles of people that are adopting, hoping upon hope that I will find some sort of tidbit of info that will lead me to a way to get to the girls. Time passes by and at the end of it all I just feel dried up. Dried up and tired.
There have been moments of breakthrough. Moments of intense emotion and prayer where I feel like I might be coming through something. But a few days pass and I am right back to where I started. Questioning, wondering, and asking WHY!? This is such a strange grief. One that most people will never have to experience. It’s very lonely.
Not only have we lost the dream of adopting the girls but we live with the knowledge that there are 4 other children at Bethel who have been adopted or are being adopted and joining families in the US. M and G will be left behind and probably not even know why. This tears me up. I have absolutely no control over this fact and am constantly giving my thoughts over to God and trusting Him in dealing with the situation. Only He knows the answers to the why’s and the why not’s--- but it would be nice if I could too.
I packed up some of the girls things today. Backpacks, purses made by a friend, shoes, and the two beautiful jewelry boxes made by my dad. They went to the attic. I really don’t have it in me to get rid of them or give them away. There is a tiny part of me that is hoping that some day these material things will belong to M and G.
Slowly we are adjusting to the loss of our dream. It will never feel right, and I will always wonder about the life I had pictured in my mind with M and G. We still aren’t sure what the Lord has for us in regards to how our family is going to grow- or if it ever will. We are still praying that if it is God’s will – we could someday meet M and G and be a part of their lives and a part of Bethel orphanage. Will you pray that for us too? We need it to be clear… because it is so muddy right now. The next step seems SO unclear.
